It's coming up so quick I can barely keep up with it. Everyday it approaches I feel like I should be doing something "grand-er" with my life. Like it has yet to be lived and yet I feel like a mad man when I go through my lists of accomplishments. Relocating from my hometown of New York City with 2 unborn girls fighting their way out of my womb prematurely has got to count for something. Puking my guts out on the way to my new job and finding some kind of strength to care for an adventurous 2 year old after one 12 hour shift after another has got to count for something. Surviving bed rest to deliver 2 angels that doctors predicted would receive their wings before they would ever their first breath. Purchasing yet another vehicle. My return to work within 12 weeks while adjusting to my new town, job, boobs and family. My God, yes, I have accomplished quite a few things this society deems successful. My own home, healthy & happy children (that have both parents in the home....co-habitation, eww we'll get to that later), a college degree, 2 cars and a "good" job. Why, Storm you've got it all! Don't cha? No...I can't enjoy a damn thing because I don't have her. And thus is the beginning and end of my story. My answer and my question. Tanya Mondesir. The sweetest person I would ever have the pleasure of knowing. The pleasure (and it was such a pleasure) of calling her my best-friend and confidant. She was lost to this world forever after an unfortunate car accident on the Southern state. I won't get into the scary silence that came after. You know the one. Where loved ones pull apart instead of together. Lawsuits from surviving parties. Unanswered questions. Conversations that intentionally avoid the very subjects one needs to discuss to find closure in tragedies such as this. I won't get into my foolish open heart in the midst of closed ones. So much to the point that the very faces of people Tan & I spent so much time with became unrecognizable. I didn't know them anymore. Perhaps I never did. Nah, let's fast forward to now. Where this special day is coming. And why I feel so retrogressive. Let's see, that's it. Birthdays were sort of our thing. She lived for them. "It's a season, she would say. I'm celebrating all season." And she did. *soft smile* So here we are 6 years later with a birthday so quickly approaching I don't know how to feel. The love received from the 3 angels God has blessed me with has saved me from the hellish flames of life after your greatest ally has passed away yet I am still in that 2008 haze. Think no burns but extreme smoke inhalation. Skin intact however breathing is impaired. My ambition leaves me dissatisfied with any progress made. I've always known how to put one foot in front of the other. That doesn't impress me. How oh how do I stop the memories from taking my breath away when either of our birthday approaches? How can I make myself forget that she ever existed? How the hell can I heal? When I'm with my son and my daughters the veil of grief slips off of me. Time stands still. Love passes over every wound and makes me whole again. Even a snuggle from Kingston dulls my heart's aching pain.
I can deal. How do I make that magic happen when I'm alone? How can I enjoy my birthday this year? How does one get over the loss of her best-friend? I intend to make this discovery......... *sigh* ..........one day.
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