My First Pregnancy Journey

Fresh out of college so close to the loss of my greatest ally left me in a flummoxed state. Already an introvert, I drew further into myself. One of the biggest lessons learned from woman in my family is that you always put one foot in front of the other. Keep it moving son. And so I did. I spent a lot of time writing, working, and hanging out with a co-worker/my first romantic love. Grief, alcohol and idle time is the perfect combination for the conception of a child so before you know it I was with child and more confounded than ever before. Things were sloppy. The father and I were broken up yet again. I was already planning on moving out of state (memories of Tan were chasing me all over NY). Abortion just wasn't my thing (pro-choice ...just a bit too messy for me). Adoption definitely is though; so I made a deal with myself that if motherhood didn't light a fire in me than I would give "it" away to someone who it did light a fire in. The morning sickness was terrible. People at work began telling me not to destroy my life just yet. Gee, thanks. A co-worker pulled me aside to offer up whatever help I needed only to take the offer back when his mistress on the job had a fit of jealousy. She was the father of my child's ex-girlfriend and went on to lead a campaign against me receiving "special" treatment. Something along the lines of me being able to lift 50+ pounds like the rest of them. The things that can happen when you're surrounded by ignorant people. I had to lawyer up so that my job could back down. So here I was minding my business and working overtime in an effort to be able to provide for my unborn. My paternal Aunt decided it was her turn to give me a hard time. Telling my sister that she wouldn't show up to my baby shower because I was not wedded. Yes, they still exist. The unkind words that followed surprised my sister. And when it got back to me *sigh*. I actually thanked God I wasn't there to witness because I am sure if it were me that she revealed those  archaic sentiments to, the devil himself would not have been able to contain my rage. This woman once showed me off as her child., showered me in compliments, expressed nothing but love, etc. As a mother of several children herself, I felt betrayed by her reaction. It was cool though. One foot in front of the other Storm. Let's keep it moving. The final straw was the father of my child not showing up to the baby shower. More so his lack of interest in the entire endeavor. I was too through with this pregnancy!

I must say thank God that it wasn't all terrible. My mother and sister were my lifeline. My maternal family in general kept me strong...showed me much love. And with all of the turmoil going on it felt like my unborn son and I were against the world. I felt like someone was loving me from the inside out *smile*. I would talk to my belly and I don't know.....could feel his response in a loving exchange of energy. It was weird. It was beautiful. He would dance like crazy to Jay Z and Celine Dion. I knew right then he'd be as eccentric as his mother and couldn't wait to meet him. As I was surrounded by my family/friends at my baby shower I felt so blessed all of the other nonsense was irrelevant. I'm ready for this, B! The clinical department at my job threw me a surprise baby shower which shocked me because of the treatment received from the very co-workers I practically grew up with was less than substantial. To this day, when thoughts of them fill my mind I am overwhelmed with gratitude. My mentor V, he was everything. His tough words of wisdom and sarcastic humor are carried with me to this day. No, it wasn't all unpleasant. God sent his angels...

Delivery was a little traumatic. My mother and boyfriend were standing by to greet little man and my son wouldn't budge (love, love, love that epidural).  Shivers began to rock my body like an earthquake. My doctor pushed for a C-section and I fought against his orders like I had had medical school instruction. No, no, no I can push!! Um, no I couldn't and my son was in distress so they rushed me into surgery. When I first laid eyes on him, I was just glad to have bought him to safety. My doctor would later express his happiness that we both survived. It took awhile for that fire to be lit but when it did, it became an inferno. Yes, God sent his angels.

Pregnancy is a time in a woman's life where she needs the most support. The most love. The most resources that you can have available to her. It is one of the closest human acts that we can consider a miracle. Whatsoever should become of that process has nothing to do with the emotions that she experiences and her perception of the circle of people she has surrounded herself with. I say all of this to say that due to the fact we've all come to be through pregnancy, our society (each & every one of us) should show a little compassion to woman with child. The media's constant display of images of pregnant woman dancing, working, and carrying on with their daily business desensitize us to the actual struggles that come with carrying a life. My experiences have made me a better woman so I can look back on it all and smile. I am now a source of strength for others. For my children especially. To quote one of my favorite poets (Maya Angelou) "People may not remember exactly what you did, or what you said, or even what you do, but they always remember how you made them feel." Shout out to all of those who made me feel great. You know who you are.