Roller Coaster Love Bandits

We are roller coaster love bandits
Ravenous for the next high...utterly famished
One minute falling deep into love
The next minute we're searching for a landing
I've had quite enough
Enough to know that we can't manage
That falling in and out of love
Should be a sign not a habit
And I apologize for the common sense that I was lacking
For all of the times that I left and then decided to come back in
All the promises we made to forget all that happened
Said this was our thing
Mistook your fury for passion
So desperate that for them straws baby I was grasping
You lit a fire in me
Past tense . . . now it's ashes
I hear your accusations
I'm a bastard
Sarcastic
But you don't see
That my retreat
Is a defense from hazards
Your words are flame tipped daggers
Aimed at my heart in un-intimidated passion
There is no Jasmine
Not even Aladdin
No magic carpet exists to fly me from this madness
Experience has taught me to temper my reaction
A display of restraint used to cover up the sadness
With a wound this deep, it's barely a bandage
Am I insensitive
Or are you misunderstanding?
I feel the anguish you feel. I just can't stand it
I say it's over to heal
Not to damage

1 Corinithians 15:33

          Life is a beautiful journey. For some there are many bends in the road and off beaten paths to take. I have also learned that this life is also a short one. And for those whom are in search of some omnipotent justification of it all, it's an unfair one. This, my friend, leaves little time and or tolerance for unnecessary reiteration provoked by people who have no intention other than to seek the dark beast that lies within you. They stroke it's belly and beg it come hither when it's purpose is aimed to serve neither them nor you. We hear it often. "Some people are just miserable." This, I can accept seeing as how it is the way of the world for people to have unequally yoked personalities. We can't all be the same. The problem I have been irritated enough to write about today is rooted in the concept of willful ignorance. Where someone chooses to pursue negative behavior despite their knowledge of the implications of that behavior. My issue lies with this trend of extending forgiveness (for lack of a better word) to someone who has wronged you under the impression that this person lacked the comprehension needed to have made a wiser decision. "They didn't know any better." And when I say forgiveness, I mean the act of allowing this particular person the privilege of remaining a part of your life. Forgive me if I come off bitter, however the amount of asshole encounters I have experienced lately has been utterly exhausting. We are all human beings therefore it is obvious when certain lines are crossed. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that a slap to the face of someone might cause that person pain. Or that to mention your participation in an adulterous situation may incite a hostile reaction. I am discovering more and more that people are assholes because of this erroneous idea that you must forgive someone despite the amount or severity of their trespasses against you. And the need to engage in this dialogue with adults about behavior that even a child can decipher to be disrespectful leaves a horrid taste in my mouth. It is never your job to raise an adult. People learn how to have sex and how to make money with little direction yet need major assistance with how to treat others with respect. I just cannot make sense of the idea. And so I won't. In sticky situations, my focus is always on the intention of a person. Their heart. Intention speaks of the soul of someone. When someone does something with the intention of hurting you there is no room in your life for them. When someone hurts you in the process of fulfilling their own selfish need, there is no room in your life for them. Not at that time at least. Hurt people, hurt people. I get that. Separation is needed for that person to re-evaluate the cost of your absence against their actions. Consequences are an essential part of life. You are doing a major disservice to someone if you continue a relationship with them despite their best efforts to bring negative energy into your life. It's nature. For every action, there is a re-action. Go out there and react people. It amazes me how many times I have had to wondered how a person could have come so far in life with the belief that certain behaviors are acceptable. "I mean really, am I the first person to stop speaking to you due to your mendacious tendencies???" *scratches head* I understand the easy route of just "moving on" however this type of acceptance is detrimental to everyone in the future. Do us all a favor and cut the negative people out of your life. 

Examples: 
Goodbye unfaithful boyfriend.
Goodbye disrespectful employer.
Goodbye untrustworthy best-friend.

One incident is enough make an ultimate decision to end a relationship. This includes family. Let us be reminded of 1 Corinithians 15:33. Bad company corrupts good character. And let no one tell you what is trivial to your emotions. You are allowed to feel however it is that you feel. It is your actions that you must manage.

Bet you their next relationship will result in a swift personality change. 

The Montessori Bedroom

          I am not so much into interior decoration as I am into a stimulating environment. I believe that every piece in my home should inspire myself and the children on a daily basis. My pockets have yet to catch up with my ideals however the beautiful thing about inspiration is that it can be done on a small or grand scale. Televisions aren't allowed in the bedroom. I love a centered bed. No flowers (functional plants are another story). Meditation corner(s). Art work. Photography. Air hockey tables rock. This can all be done up with an extreme or modest budget. Today I shall focus on my vision board (yes, I do vision boards) for the trio's bedrooms. The Montessori bedroom comes closest to the idea I aspire to when it comes to their rooms. For now, at least. *smile* So let's explore this concept. 

          The Montessori method is rooted in the idea that a child needs an environment that is developmentally prepared to spark the their sense learning as well as the freedom (limited) to engage with that environment on their on terms. Or at least that is how I interpret this theory. There is much material (not to mention millions of schools) on this subject so I won't tire you with details. Let's get into the room.

Fostering Independence:

          Think of your child's perspective. Think of shelves that they can reach so that they may learn to clean up after themselves a little easier. I plan on purchasing a child's coat rack simply because the trio love to throw their jackets on the floor after they come in from a long day of playing. In the future I will get them their own cubbies because the morning routine of boots and coats is something that I believe they should be doing on their own at this point in time. We'll see. They will be graduating from toy trunks the cube shelves as I have now learned that toys are easier to find that way. The toy trunks are a bit over stimulating for my son. He is the kind of child who knows exactly what toy he wants and where he wants it. And no, I do not know where he gets this from. *big smile* They already have a step stool and an easy to reach bookcase. A child size table with chairs.

The Bed:

          The bed goes on the floor. That's right. Preferably in the corner. At this point your child's room should be child proof, right? When your child awakes, they should be able to rise and explore at their own accord (think limited freedom). This also works with them learning how to put themselves to sleep. A crib or a play pen is much too restrictive. Besides whenever I view pictures of where children sleep on a global scale, it's almost always on the floor. I believe they're on to something.      

Decor:

          Simplicity is key here. So as not to overstimulate which I believe I am already guilty of. In the future I will add a kid's mirror. I love the idea of them getting to know their reflection and how their bodies move. I hate bare walls. I'm thinking two African American paintings per room. I definitely owe my son a picture of Bob Marley (a tribute to his Jamaican roots and dreadlocks). Brand new wall stickers. A mural and a nice neutral color would be nice however I must be realistic. Apartment living has it's limits. Giant teddy bears for the girls because I just like when something is resting on your bed after your adventure of a day.

          So far that is all. Just the tip of the iceberg I'm sure. Here are a couple of inspiring photos I was able to find on pintrest (God, I love pintrest).

My Children's Book Wish List

If it's scratched out, that means my babies already have it in their collection. 

Nothing but Trouble: The Story of Althea Gibson
by Sue Stauffachere and illustrated by Greg Couch

Aunt Clara Brown: Official Pioneer by Linda Lowery and illustrated by Janice Lee Porter
Clara

Celia Cruz, Queen of Salsa by Veronica Chambers and illustrated by Julie Maren

Coretta Scott
by Ntozake Shange and illustrated by Kadir Nelson

Harlem's Little Blackbird by Renee Watson and illustrated by Christian Robinson
Zora and Langston

Ida B. Wells: Let the Truth Be Told by Walter Dean Myers and illustrated by Bonnie Christensen
Josephine: The Dazzling Life of Josephine Baker  by Patricia Hruby Powell and illustrated by Christian Robinson

When Marian Sang: The True Recital of Marian Anderson by Pam Munoz Ryan and illustrated by Brian Selznick

Mary McLeod Bethune
by Eloise Greenfield and illustrated by Jerry Pinkney

Moses: When Harriet Tubman Led Her People to Freedom by Carole Boston Weatherford and illustrated by Kadir Nelson

Mumbet's Declaration of Independence  by Gretchen Woelfle and illustrated by Alix Delinois

Rosa by by Nikki Giovanni and illustrated by Bryan Collier 

Ruby Bridges Goes to School: My True Story by Ruby Bridges

Skit-Scat Raggedy Cat: Ella Fitzgerald by Roxane Orgill and illustrated by Sean Qualls

Sojourner Truth's Step-Stomp Stride
by Andrea Davis Pinkney and illustrated by Brian Pinkney

Talkin' About Bessie: The Story of Aviator Elizabeth Coleman by Nikki Grimes and illustrated by Earl B. Lewis

Wangari's Trees of Peace: A True Story from Africa
by Jeanette Winter

Wilma Unlimited: How Wilma Rudolph Became the World's Fastest Woman by Kathleen Krull and illustrated by David Diaz

Galimoto by Karen Lynn Williams and Catherine Stock

Boundless Grace by Mary Hoffman
The Gruffalo by Julia Donaldson and Axel Scheffler

Please, Baby, Please
by Spike Lee, Tonya Lewis Lee, Kadir Nelson (Illustrator)

I Like Myself! 
by Karen Beaumont 

Of Thee I Sing: A Letter To My Daughters 
by Barack Obama 

Mufaro's Beautiful Daughters: An African Tale 
by John Steptoe 


I Love My Hair! 

by Natasha Anastasia Tarpley 

Whose Toes are Those? 

by Jabari Asim 

Goldilocks and the Three Bears - Fairy Tale Classics 

by John Kurtz 

Please, Puppy, Please 

by Spike Lee 

I Am Sacajawea, I Am York: Our Journey West with Lewis and Clark 
by Claire Rudolf Murphy

The Colors of Us 

by Karen Katz 

Mirandy and Brother Wind 
by Patricia C. McKissack 

Judy Moody
by Megan McDonald

Not All Princesses Dress in Pink  
by Jane Yolen and Heidi E. Y. Stemple 

Madeline 
by Ludwig Bemelmans 

Imogene’s Last Stand 
by Candace Fleming and Illustrated by Nancy Carpenter 

Stand Tall, Molly Lou Melon
Written by Patty Lovell and Illustrated by David Catrow

The Princess Knight 
by Cornelia Funke and Illustrated by Kirsten Meyer

Matilda 
by Roald Dahl and Illustrated by Quentin Blake

 Rad American Women A-Z  
by Katie Schatz and Illustrated by Miriam Klein Stahl

Harriet The Spy 
by Louise Fitzhugh 

Grace For President
by Kelly S. DePucchio and Illustrated by LeUyen Pham

Miss Rumphius 
by Barbara Cooney 

The Paper Bag Princess 
by Robert Munsch and Illustrated by Michael Martchenko

Vision (Poem)

You're invisible 
Like intangibles; like wind
They only feel you when you rustle their leaves . . . tickle their limbs
You are merely comfort resting against their skin 
They don't see you at all
Just the greatness that you come with 
But I have special eyes 
They sense warmth in sunrise 
I don't need to physically feel
to know what in your heart lies 
You need not do a thing for me to admire 
Said I don't have to need your heat to see you have great fire 
I see you for you
And that's enough for my desire 
It should be enough for anyone
Who even seeks to inquire 
They don't see you at all
Just the results of you; triumph
Why then, do you allow them to have you?
When all they perceive is black and blue 
And by doing so look past you 
Stop performing for these assholes 
Their vision is limited 
And you are on another platform
Your job is to be 
Leave it to your God to transform 
Your invisibility to them will never be your fault 
You are enough
What they don't see is their loss

My Regrets

Regret:
verb:
feel sad, repentant, or disappointed over (something that has happened or been done, especially a loss or missed opportunity).
noun:
a feeling of sadness, repentance, or disappointment over something that has happened or been done.

          Usually, when the anniversary of my best friend's death is approaching, I like to share the humorous details of our many memories together. The time she gave me a piggy back ride to her dorm room after a party we went to. The way we were realists when it came to the opposite sex yet romantics at heart with our expectations. Her singing "Crank That Soldier Boy" to lovingly annoy me. The way she loved to carry my cell phone and answer it when we hung out. How we loved to take turns pretending it was our birthday at restaurants just so the staff could sing to us. My little dance off at her communion party. Volunteering to help with the kindergartners in the fifth grade because we adored the babies. The way she eased new friends into the picture because I was just not the social bug that she was. *smile* Her obsession with The Rock and mine with Ma$e. Our love of reading books and trap music. Oh, how I get loquacious when I get the chance to stroll down memory lane with someone. This year I shall take the opportunity to create a teaching moment. Hey, I have a blog. Why not? I wanted to touch on the concept of regret because I believe there is a misconception out there. More often than not, I hear people proclaim how they regret nothing in their lives. This is supposed to infer that every choice they have made in life bought them to the person that they are today so therefore they have no reason to feel disappointed in any of those decisions. Some people actually feel this way. And that's alright. However there are some people who feel that a disappointment in a past decision indicates that they are unhappy with the person that they presently are or the situation they are presently in. They stay clear of that word regret in spite of how they actually feel. I have only recently come to terms with my regrets so I completely understand. 
          During my college years (Not so true, even in high school, I held two jobs), I put blinders on. I work double shifts at work and took courses in the Summer seasons. Tan always had a luminescent spirit that matched her personality. She had many friends and therefore always in attendance at one celebratory event or another. It was difficult for me to share a lot of these experiences with her due to my work schedule. We had great times together however there was so much more to do. She understood so there was no love lost. It made the times we shared together that much more precious. Times were hard for me so I was motivated by this idea about life after college. We would have great jobs and an endless amount of time. We flirted with the idea of moving out on New York City and taking trips abroad. A perfect world in which Tan and I would tackle as many adventures as possible. "Let me get this work in first." I would tell her when we dreamed dreams. Little did I know . . . I mean very little. When she passed I was at the end of my junior year in college. Devastated, lost and thoroughly confused. We were literally just celebrating the fact that we had one more year to go. I was even loosening up being that the end was in sight. Eight was my favorite number. 2008 would be the best year ever. Every set back I had paled in comparison to this "great" future I was building. One of our common expressions was "Girl, at least we have each other". What happened? Anger had settled into my soul. Bits and pieces of it linger still. I was one of those "never regret anything" people so I was at war with myself for quite some time. Went through every stage grief and then some however that anger was a constant burn. Slowly but surely, I came to the realization that I was infuriated with myself. As amazing as our friendship was, I do have regrets. I regret making plans as though I would live forever. I regret racing through life as though one part was more important than the other. A pretty common mistake teenagers make yet still....I severely limited my life as though a reward of a future was promised to me. I do this in love too but eh, that's another story. *smile* Saving moments to share at a later date as if God has made promises to me as God does to no man. It took even longer to say the words aloud however one day I did and it was liberating. I would go back and change some things if the universe gave me another chance. This says nothing of where my life is now. It just feels like growth when I can lay claim my mistakes. I was suspended in time for a long while so growth is special to me. Cheers to regrets. Here's to owning them and learning from them. Life is not guaranteed. Grow as much as you can while the sun is still out. 

End of 2014 Year Reflection

1. Am I happy with where I am in life right now?
Yes, I believe that I am.

2. What am I passionate about? What am I doing to pursue my passion?
I am passionate about an existence in which I am an unadulterated version of myself. Where the thought of what others think or desire no longer limit who I am. I have always lived outside the box however my aim has been not to wander too far. To pursue this, I love with abandon now. I ignore odd stares to stop my car in the rain and finish a poem dancing wildly among my thoughts. If I want to take a selfie, I take a selfie. If I walls are too bare, it's time to buy some artwork. If I want to read all of Alice Walker's work, I shall do so. I allow myself to feel these urges and respond to them accordingly. 

3. Who and What things are weighing me down that I need to get rid of? How will I do it?
It's a who and a what. Society is weighing me down. Specifically the notion of what it means to be me. A woman. A black woman. A Caribbean woman. A mother and provider. A poet. A lover. How these identities are allowed to merge however only to "their" liking. My marital status, children's hair, how I dress, weight loss, etc. It's exhausting. Moving forward, I will simply ignore societal demands and do as I please.

4. What do I need to forgive myself for?
I need to forgive myself for playing my part in willful ignorance. It's a hell of a drug.

5. When did I feel most alive this year? What was sacred about that moment?
I felt most alive this year when I became a full fledged vegetarian. I had been struggling with this transition for quite some time and was growing tired with the duplicitous lifestyle. I fasted, mediated and prayed on it for a couple days and came out of that experience with no desire for flesh at all. Like magic. The sacred moment was when I could look in the mirror to see a vegetarian  dread-locked woman. It was like "Wow, there you are, Storm. Nice to meet you."

6. What self-love actions can I practice on a daily basis?
Meditation, a long walk, & a uniform of sweat pants and wife beaters. 

7. What do I want to let go of? (i.e self doubt, fear, etc)
I want to let go of that obsessive desire to want more for other people than they want for themselves. 

8. What do I dedicate 2015 to? (i.e independence, artistic pursuits)
I dedicate 2015 to dating myself. To look in the mirror and say "Bae, what do you want to do today?" or "Bae, look what I bought your sexy ass". Tattoos I've wanted for so long, books that need reading, restaurants that need dining, mountains that need hiking, etc. 

9. What did I learn about myself in 2014?
I learned that I am awesome and an okay cook. Also I don't like laser tag. And it's okay to love someone more than they love you so long as you don't love them more than you. Yes, I've learned a lot *smile*.

10. What did 2014 represent to me on my path?
It represented a year of the "take backs" so to speak. I took a large sack and took a walk around. Give me back my heart, Nigga. Give me back my body, children (still working on it). Give me back my health, meat. Give me back my God, white America. I took a lot of things back. This bag is full and I couldn't be happier. 

Happy New Year to everyone.