My Regrets

Regret:
verb:
feel sad, repentant, or disappointed over (something that has happened or been done, especially a loss or missed opportunity).
noun:
a feeling of sadness, repentance, or disappointment over something that has happened or been done.

          Usually, when the anniversary of my best friend's death is approaching, I like to share the humorous details of our many memories together. The time she gave me a piggy back ride to her dorm room after a party we went to. The way we were realists when it came to the opposite sex yet romantics at heart with our expectations. Her singing "Crank That Soldier Boy" to lovingly annoy me. The way she loved to carry my cell phone and answer it when we hung out. How we loved to take turns pretending it was our birthday at restaurants just so the staff could sing to us. My little dance off at her communion party. Volunteering to help with the kindergartners in the fifth grade because we adored the babies. The way she eased new friends into the picture because I was just not the social bug that she was. *smile* Her obsession with The Rock and mine with Ma$e. Our love of reading books and trap music. Oh, how I get loquacious when I get the chance to stroll down memory lane with someone. This year I shall take the opportunity to create a teaching moment. Hey, I have a blog. Why not? I wanted to touch on the concept of regret because I believe there is a misconception out there. More often than not, I hear people proclaim how they regret nothing in their lives. This is supposed to infer that every choice they have made in life bought them to the person that they are today so therefore they have no reason to feel disappointed in any of those decisions. Some people actually feel this way. And that's alright. However there are some people who feel that a disappointment in a past decision indicates that they are unhappy with the person that they presently are or the situation they are presently in. They stay clear of that word regret in spite of how they actually feel. I have only recently come to terms with my regrets so I completely understand. 
          During my college years (Not so true, even in high school, I held two jobs), I put blinders on. I work double shifts at work and took courses in the Summer seasons. Tan always had a luminescent spirit that matched her personality. She had many friends and therefore always in attendance at one celebratory event or another. It was difficult for me to share a lot of these experiences with her due to my work schedule. We had great times together however there was so much more to do. She understood so there was no love lost. It made the times we shared together that much more precious. Times were hard for me so I was motivated by this idea about life after college. We would have great jobs and an endless amount of time. We flirted with the idea of moving out on New York City and taking trips abroad. A perfect world in which Tan and I would tackle as many adventures as possible. "Let me get this work in first." I would tell her when we dreamed dreams. Little did I know . . . I mean very little. When she passed I was at the end of my junior year in college. Devastated, lost and thoroughly confused. We were literally just celebrating the fact that we had one more year to go. I was even loosening up being that the end was in sight. Eight was my favorite number. 2008 would be the best year ever. Every set back I had paled in comparison to this "great" future I was building. One of our common expressions was "Girl, at least we have each other". What happened? Anger had settled into my soul. Bits and pieces of it linger still. I was one of those "never regret anything" people so I was at war with myself for quite some time. Went through every stage grief and then some however that anger was a constant burn. Slowly but surely, I came to the realization that I was infuriated with myself. As amazing as our friendship was, I do have regrets. I regret making plans as though I would live forever. I regret racing through life as though one part was more important than the other. A pretty common mistake teenagers make yet still....I severely limited my life as though a reward of a future was promised to me. I do this in love too but eh, that's another story. *smile* Saving moments to share at a later date as if God has made promises to me as God does to no man. It took even longer to say the words aloud however one day I did and it was liberating. I would go back and change some things if the universe gave me another chance. This says nothing of where my life is now. It just feels like growth when I can lay claim my mistakes. I was suspended in time for a long while so growth is special to me. Cheers to regrets. Here's to owning them and learning from them. Life is not guaranteed. Grow as much as you can while the sun is still out.