You're invisible
Like intangibles; like wind
They only feel you when you rustle their leaves . . . tickle their limbs
You are merely comfort resting against their skin
They don't see you at all
Just the greatness that you come with
But I have special eyes
They sense warmth in sunrise
I don't need to physically feel
to know what in your heart lies
You need not do a thing for me to admire
Said I don't have to need your heat to see you have great fire
I see you for you
And that's enough for my desire
It should be enough for anyone
Who even seeks to inquire
They don't see you at all
Just the results of you; triumph
Why then, do you allow them to have you?
When all they perceive is black and blue
And by doing so look past you
Stop performing for these assholes
Their vision is limited
And you are on another platform
Your job is to be
Leave it to your God to transform
Your invisibility to them will never be your fault
You are enough
What they don't see is their loss
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
Friday, January 16, 2015
My Regrets
Regret:
verb:
feel sad, repentant, or disappointed over (something that has happened or been done, especially a loss or missed opportunity).
noun:
a feeling of sadness, repentance, or disappointment over something that has happened or been done.
Usually, when the anniversary of my best friend's death is approaching, I like to share the humorous details of our many memories together. The time she gave me a piggy back ride to her dorm room after a party we went to. The way we were realists when it came to the opposite sex yet romantics at heart with our expectations. Her singing "Crank That Soldier Boy" to lovingly annoy me. The way she loved to carry my cell phone and answer it when we hung out. How we loved to take turns pretending it was our birthday at restaurants just so the staff could sing to us. My little dance off at her communion party. Volunteering to help with the kindergartners in the fifth grade because we adored the babies. The way she eased new friends into the picture because I was just not the social bug that she was. *smile* Her obsession with The Rock and mine with Ma$e. Our love of reading books and trap music. Oh, how I get loquacious when I get the chance to stroll down memory lane with someone. This year I shall take the opportunity to create a teaching moment. Hey, I have a blog. Why not? I wanted to touch on the concept of regret because I believe there is a misconception out there. More often than not, I hear people proclaim how they regret nothing in their lives. This is supposed to infer that every choice they have made in life bought them to the person that they are today so therefore they have no reason to feel disappointed in any of those decisions. Some people actually feel this way. And that's alright. However there are some people who feel that a disappointment in a past decision indicates that they are unhappy with the person that they presently are or the situation they are presently in. They stay clear of that word regret in spite of how they actually feel. I have only recently come to terms with my regrets so I completely understand.
During my college years (Not so true, even in high school, I held two jobs), I put blinders on. I work double shifts at work and took courses in the Summer seasons. Tan always had a luminescent spirit that matched her personality. She had many friends and therefore always in attendance at one celebratory event or another. It was difficult for me to share a lot of these experiences with her due to my work schedule. We had great times together however there was so much more to do. She understood so there was no love lost. It made the times we shared together that much more precious. Times were hard for me so I was motivated by this idea about life after college. We would have great jobs and an endless amount of time. We flirted with the idea of moving out on New York City and taking trips abroad. A perfect world in which Tan and I would tackle as many adventures as possible. "Let me get this work in first." I would tell her when we dreamed dreams. Little did I know . . . I mean very little. When she passed I was at the end of my junior year in college. Devastated, lost and thoroughly confused. We were literally just celebrating the fact that we had one more year to go. I was even loosening up being that the end was in sight. Eight was my favorite number. 2008 would be the best year ever. Every set back I had paled in comparison to this "great" future I was building. One of our common expressions was "Girl, at least we have each other". What happened? Anger had settled into my soul. Bits and pieces of it linger still. I was one of those "never regret anything" people so I was at war with myself for quite some time. Went through every stage grief and then some however that anger was a constant burn. Slowly but surely, I came to the realization that I was infuriated with myself. As amazing as our friendship was, I do have regrets. I regret making plans as though I would live forever. I regret racing through life as though one part was more important than the other. A pretty common mistake teenagers make yet still....I severely limited my life as though a reward of a future was promised to me. I do this in love too but eh, that's another story. *smile* Saving moments to share at a later date as if God has made promises to me as God does to no man. It took even longer to say the words aloud however one day I did and it was liberating. I would go back and change some things if the universe gave me another chance. This says nothing of where my life is now. It just feels like growth when I can lay claim my mistakes. I was suspended in time for a long while so growth is special to me. Cheers to regrets. Here's to owning them and learning from them. Life is not guaranteed. Grow as much as you can while the sun is still out.
verb:
feel sad, repentant, or disappointed over (something that has happened or been done, especially a loss or missed opportunity).
noun:
a feeling of sadness, repentance, or disappointment over something that has happened or been done.
Usually, when the anniversary of my best friend's death is approaching, I like to share the humorous details of our many memories together. The time she gave me a piggy back ride to her dorm room after a party we went to. The way we were realists when it came to the opposite sex yet romantics at heart with our expectations. Her singing "Crank That Soldier Boy" to lovingly annoy me. The way she loved to carry my cell phone and answer it when we hung out. How we loved to take turns pretending it was our birthday at restaurants just so the staff could sing to us. My little dance off at her communion party. Volunteering to help with the kindergartners in the fifth grade because we adored the babies. The way she eased new friends into the picture because I was just not the social bug that she was. *smile* Her obsession with The Rock and mine with Ma$e. Our love of reading books and trap music. Oh, how I get loquacious when I get the chance to stroll down memory lane with someone. This year I shall take the opportunity to create a teaching moment. Hey, I have a blog. Why not? I wanted to touch on the concept of regret because I believe there is a misconception out there. More often than not, I hear people proclaim how they regret nothing in their lives. This is supposed to infer that every choice they have made in life bought them to the person that they are today so therefore they have no reason to feel disappointed in any of those decisions. Some people actually feel this way. And that's alright. However there are some people who feel that a disappointment in a past decision indicates that they are unhappy with the person that they presently are or the situation they are presently in. They stay clear of that word regret in spite of how they actually feel. I have only recently come to terms with my regrets so I completely understand.
During my college years (Not so true, even in high school, I held two jobs), I put blinders on. I work double shifts at work and took courses in the Summer seasons. Tan always had a luminescent spirit that matched her personality. She had many friends and therefore always in attendance at one celebratory event or another. It was difficult for me to share a lot of these experiences with her due to my work schedule. We had great times together however there was so much more to do. She understood so there was no love lost. It made the times we shared together that much more precious. Times were hard for me so I was motivated by this idea about life after college. We would have great jobs and an endless amount of time. We flirted with the idea of moving out on New York City and taking trips abroad. A perfect world in which Tan and I would tackle as many adventures as possible. "Let me get this work in first." I would tell her when we dreamed dreams. Little did I know . . . I mean very little. When she passed I was at the end of my junior year in college. Devastated, lost and thoroughly confused. We were literally just celebrating the fact that we had one more year to go. I was even loosening up being that the end was in sight. Eight was my favorite number. 2008 would be the best year ever. Every set back I had paled in comparison to this "great" future I was building. One of our common expressions was "Girl, at least we have each other". What happened? Anger had settled into my soul. Bits and pieces of it linger still. I was one of those "never regret anything" people so I was at war with myself for quite some time. Went through every stage grief and then some however that anger was a constant burn. Slowly but surely, I came to the realization that I was infuriated with myself. As amazing as our friendship was, I do have regrets. I regret making plans as though I would live forever. I regret racing through life as though one part was more important than the other. A pretty common mistake teenagers make yet still....I severely limited my life as though a reward of a future was promised to me. I do this in love too but eh, that's another story. *smile* Saving moments to share at a later date as if God has made promises to me as God does to no man. It took even longer to say the words aloud however one day I did and it was liberating. I would go back and change some things if the universe gave me another chance. This says nothing of where my life is now. It just feels like growth when I can lay claim my mistakes. I was suspended in time for a long while so growth is special to me. Cheers to regrets. Here's to owning them and learning from them. Life is not guaranteed. Grow as much as you can while the sun is still out.
Friday, January 2, 2015
End of 2014 Year Reflection
1. Am I happy with where I am in life right now?
Yes, I believe that I am.
2. What am I passionate about? What am I doing to pursue my passion?
I am passionate about an existence in which I am an unadulterated version of myself. Where the thought of what others think or desire no longer limit who I am. I have always lived outside the box however my aim has been not to wander too far. To pursue this, I love with abandon now. I ignore odd stares to stop my car in the rain and finish a poem dancing wildly among my thoughts. If I want to take a selfie, I take a selfie. If I walls are too bare, it's time to buy some artwork. If I want to read all of Alice Walker's work, I shall do so. I allow myself to feel these urges and respond to them accordingly.
3. Who and What things are weighing me down that I need to get rid of? How will I do it?
It's a who and a what. Society is weighing me down. Specifically the notion of what it means to be me. A woman. A black woman. A Caribbean woman. A mother and provider. A poet. A lover. How these identities are allowed to merge however only to "their" liking. My marital status, children's hair, how I dress, weight loss, etc. It's exhausting. Moving forward, I will simply ignore societal demands and do as I please.
4. What do I need to forgive myself for?
I need to forgive myself for playing my part in willful ignorance. It's a hell of a drug.
5. When did I feel most alive this year? What was sacred about that moment?
I felt most alive this year when I became a full fledged vegetarian. I had been struggling with this transition for quite some time and was growing tired with the duplicitous lifestyle. I fasted, mediated and prayed on it for a couple days and came out of that experience with no desire for flesh at all. Like magic. The sacred moment was when I could look in the mirror to see a vegetarian dread-locked woman. It was like "Wow, there you are, Storm. Nice to meet you."
6. What self-love actions can I practice on a daily basis?
Meditation, a long walk, & a uniform of sweat pants and wife beaters.
7. What do I want to let go of? (i.e self doubt, fear, etc)
I want to let go of that obsessive desire to want more for other people than they want for themselves.
8. What do I dedicate 2015 to? (i.e independence, artistic pursuits)
I dedicate 2015 to dating myself. To look in the mirror and say "Bae, what do you want to do today?" or "Bae, look what I bought your sexy ass". Tattoos I've wanted for so long, books that need reading, restaurants that need dining, mountains that need hiking, etc.
9. What did I learn about myself in 2014?
I learned that I am awesome and an okay cook. Also I don't like laser tag. And it's okay to love someone more than they love you so long as you don't love them more than you. Yes, I've learned a lot *smile*.
10. What did 2014 represent to me on my path?
It represented a year of the "take backs" so to speak. I took a large sack and took a walk around. Give me back my heart, Nigga. Give me back my body, children (still working on it). Give me back my health, meat. Give me back my God, white America. I took a lot of things back. This bag is full and I couldn't be happier.
Happy New Year to everyone.
Yes, I believe that I am.
2. What am I passionate about? What am I doing to pursue my passion?
I am passionate about an existence in which I am an unadulterated version of myself. Where the thought of what others think or desire no longer limit who I am. I have always lived outside the box however my aim has been not to wander too far. To pursue this, I love with abandon now. I ignore odd stares to stop my car in the rain and finish a poem dancing wildly among my thoughts. If I want to take a selfie, I take a selfie. If I walls are too bare, it's time to buy some artwork. If I want to read all of Alice Walker's work, I shall do so. I allow myself to feel these urges and respond to them accordingly.
3. Who and What things are weighing me down that I need to get rid of? How will I do it?
It's a who and a what. Society is weighing me down. Specifically the notion of what it means to be me. A woman. A black woman. A Caribbean woman. A mother and provider. A poet. A lover. How these identities are allowed to merge however only to "their" liking. My marital status, children's hair, how I dress, weight loss, etc. It's exhausting. Moving forward, I will simply ignore societal demands and do as I please.
4. What do I need to forgive myself for?
I need to forgive myself for playing my part in willful ignorance. It's a hell of a drug.
5. When did I feel most alive this year? What was sacred about that moment?
I felt most alive this year when I became a full fledged vegetarian. I had been struggling with this transition for quite some time and was growing tired with the duplicitous lifestyle. I fasted, mediated and prayed on it for a couple days and came out of that experience with no desire for flesh at all. Like magic. The sacred moment was when I could look in the mirror to see a vegetarian dread-locked woman. It was like "Wow, there you are, Storm. Nice to meet you."
6. What self-love actions can I practice on a daily basis?
Meditation, a long walk, & a uniform of sweat pants and wife beaters.
7. What do I want to let go of? (i.e self doubt, fear, etc)
I want to let go of that obsessive desire to want more for other people than they want for themselves.
8. What do I dedicate 2015 to? (i.e independence, artistic pursuits)
I dedicate 2015 to dating myself. To look in the mirror and say "Bae, what do you want to do today?" or "Bae, look what I bought your sexy ass". Tattoos I've wanted for so long, books that need reading, restaurants that need dining, mountains that need hiking, etc.
9. What did I learn about myself in 2014?
I learned that I am awesome and an okay cook. Also I don't like laser tag. And it's okay to love someone more than they love you so long as you don't love them more than you. Yes, I've learned a lot *smile*.
10. What did 2014 represent to me on my path?
It represented a year of the "take backs" so to speak. I took a large sack and took a walk around. Give me back my heart, Nigga. Give me back my body, children (still working on it). Give me back my health, meat. Give me back my God, white America. I took a lot of things back. This bag is full and I couldn't be happier.
Happy New Year to everyone.
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