Papa (Poem)

From the moment I was told of your existence, I knew 
But I was so wrapped up in grief I didn't know what to do 
I had just lost my best friend 
Fatal accident 
And your father well when I went to him 
He was also confused 
Said it was up to me to choose
But that thing about you, I knew 
so I chose to continue 
As time went on I became more sure
Because you would talk to me and I would talk back to you      
And this bond here had formed
I was giving birth to a baby Storm
This was even before I knew you were a boy      
But I was terrified I couldn't do this on my own
At night I still cried because my friend left me all alone     
For awhile there I conspired to find you another home
There was just no way in hell I could raise a little Storm    
And then you were born 
And instinctively I knew everything you would want
You were so in sync with me we settled into a calm      
You took my anxiety and turned it into armor                       See that thing about you, I knew 
it made the picture larger    
It made my eyes see farther
It just made me go harder          
But that's me  
The Autism diagnosis broke your father
But that thing about you I been knew so
Over here Papi there was never any heartache 
I never want you to feel like you are a mistake 
Because if your father never pulled away

I probably would have banked on him being there

I would never be this great
Sometimes it's just fate

You saved my life Paija Damir

You needing me to come up out of that shell of person that I was     And protect you in the name of love 

Bum rushed the air back into my lungs

I put that grief aside and picked up guns       

I became your protector

I'll shoot it out with anyone

Papa you are perfect 

You are deserving         

This thing about you I been knew and still found you worthy

It's okay to think different 

I too don't make friends quickly 

Your father will come around he's bound to see the things I witness

How you're brave and you're smart and you're presence is tremendous 

How you are everything we are only better and bigger

How you are magical...bought the dead back to living

And I admit this
When he rejected you I was filled with resentment 

You've even managed to inspire forgiveness 

You tell me to forgive him

And I been hard headed my entire life but since it comes from your lips I put down the guns and listen      

I forgive him

You are more than Autistic

You are bigger than a label 

You're the piece that's missing       

You're the reason I'm able

I love you so much      

Every day I am grateful 

That it is I that kept you alive until you came through

I would never ever ever change you