Papa (Poem)

From the moment I was told of your existence, I knew 
But I was so wrapped up in grief I didn't know what to do 
I had just lost my best friend 
Fatal accident 
And your father well when I went to him 
He was also confused 
Said it was up to me to choose
But that thing about you, I knew 
so I chose to continue 
As time went on I became more sure
Because you would talk to me and I would talk back to you      
And this bond here had formed
I was giving birth to a baby Storm
This was even before I knew you were a boy      
But I was terrified I couldn't do this on my own
At night I still cried because my friend left me all alone     
For awhile there I conspired to find you another home
There was just no way in hell I could raise a little Storm    
And then you were born 
And instinctively I knew everything you would want
You were so in sync with me we settled into a calm      
You took my anxiety and turned it into armor                       See that thing about you, I knew 
it made the picture larger    
It made my eyes see farther
It just made me go harder          
But that's me  
The Autism diagnosis broke your father
But that thing about you I been knew so
Over here Papi there was never any heartache 
I never want you to feel like you are a mistake 
Because if your father never pulled away

I probably would have banked on him being there

I would never be this great
Sometimes it's just fate

You saved my life Paija Damir

You needing me to come up out of that shell of person that I was     And protect you in the name of love 

Bum rushed the air back into my lungs

I put that grief aside and picked up guns       

I became your protector

I'll shoot it out with anyone

Papa you are perfect 

You are deserving         

This thing about you I been knew and still found you worthy

It's okay to think different 

I too don't make friends quickly 

Your father will come around he's bound to see the things I witness

How you're brave and you're smart and you're presence is tremendous 

How you are everything we are only better and bigger

How you are magical...bought the dead back to living

And I admit this
When he rejected you I was filled with resentment 

You've even managed to inspire forgiveness 

You tell me to forgive him

And I been hard headed my entire life but since it comes from your lips I put down the guns and listen      

I forgive him

You are more than Autistic

You are bigger than a label 

You're the piece that's missing       

You're the reason I'm able

I love you so much      

Every day I am grateful 

That it is I that kept you alive until you came through

I would never ever ever change you

                          

Beach Day (Memories)

Today's the day. February 02, 2008 changed my life. Killed me. Left me numb. Left me hungry for the type of healing that was more destructive than beneficial. And I won't go into details. Anybody who has experienced grief knows....This post isn't about that. It's about what I have to focus on to offset destructive patterns. The good times. Great memories. A testament to the awesome friendship that Tan and I thrived on. So let's see. Let's take this back to our teenage years. Last year of high school or freshman year of college. I'm thinking somewhere in between. Yes. It had to be. I still remember the sun burning gloriously in a sky so blue it rivaled the ocean. Forgive me for the way my mind works. The littlest things leave lasting impressions. For instance, when I first got the news about my best friend passing, I was near a cup of water or something that left a ring of condensation on a wooden dresser. I remember picking it up and staring at the ring of droplets of water moments before the call. I remember thinking why didn't anyone put napkin underneath the glass or whatever the hell it was. I wanted so badly to reach out and wipe it all away however my limbs could not find the motivation to carry out the commands my brain was sending. I just stared at those droplets. It wasn't even for that long. It wasn't until months after the funeral that I saw a ring of condensation and emotionally traveled back in time to the moment or the moment before rather my entire life changed. I digress. I don't usually do posts on this specific day so I'm a little distracted. *deep breath* Back to the good memories. So anyway, nice warm day. Tan invited me out to the beach. Beach? We don't beach but okay. Later when I'm on my way to her house she admits that a couple of her other friends are coming along and that we'll even be travelling in their vehicle. Pause. Huge pause. She waits for me to tell her I'm turning around which is exactly what my public transportation taking ass was doing. Tanya and I were such opposites, I'm not sure how we got along so well. *smile* She was thee MOST gregarious person I knew. To this date even. She had many friends. She forgave a million times over and loved to bring people together. Me...not so much. She was basically my only friend, back then I didn't forgive shit and I always kept the few people I held close in separate compartments in my life. Basically opposites. *smile* She ended up begging me to go so of course I obliged. You should of seen us. In the car squished together (no air conditioner) while the song of the summer Soulja Boy's "Crank That" was blasting on the radio. Tan would look at me with a pleading eyes. A "play nice" expression usually reserved for children. And I would give a look back at her. Ya'll have to understand. Her friends had that song on repeat. Seriously?? *smile* I was dying, man. I played nice though. At one point I had to ask "What does that even mean?".  Her friends actually broke down the meaning for me. Quite disgusting by the way. When we finally made it to the beach, we settled down on the sand and enjoyed some wine coolers. Liquid courage for introverts. I relaxed a little. We laughed...danced...etc. The most important moment of that trip is when Tan and I went out into the water. And I got that funny dew drop feeling again. The slightest details drawing me in; evoking a relaxed state. Water droplets on our brown skin (Okay, I'm yellow). The way our laughter bounced off of the waves. The wine cooler leaving my system. Sobriety returning slowing. I remember wondering if that was how baptismal was supposed to feel. That sun....that sun....blazing. I can feel the heat of it right now. Felt like the waves were going through me. Felt free. I remember how she looked at me. That "I knew you would have a good time" look. I admitted it and she smiled even brighter. I remember the smile. She said "See, that wasn't so bad.". Like I can hear her saying that right now . . . At the time I thought we would have a million more days like that. So it wasn't on the radar for best days ever. Now that I know better. That day was one of the best days of my life. Thanks Tan. I still don't know how to crank that Soulja boy though.