End of 2015 Reflection

1. Am I happy with where I am in life right now?

2014: Yes, I believe that I am.

2015: Very much so. 

2. What am I passionate about? What am I doing to pursue my passion?

2014: I am passionate about an existence in which I am an unadulterated version of myself. Where the thought of what others think or desire no longer limit who I am. I have always lived outside the box however my aim has been not to wander too far. To pursue this, I love with abandon now. I ignore odd stares to stop my car in the rain and finish a poem dancing wildly among my thoughts. If I want to take a selfie, I take a selfie. If I walls are too bare, it's time to buy some artwork. If I want to read all of Alice Walker's work, I shall do so. I allow myself to feel these urges and respond to them accordingly.

2015: I am passionate about action. I'm expressive by nature so I can write about my dreams and partake in eloquent discussions about it plenty. Recently, I stumbled across a quote by Iyanla Vanzant (that's my girl by the way...lol) which said that you had to do more than speak truth....you have to think truth as well. Her words jarred me because it had not dawned on me prior to reading that material that my mind was still engaged in an active love affair with lies I've consumed in this lifetime. Sure I spoke my truth however talking is only half the job. You have to follow through. I have successfully evolved to the point where the opinions of others determining for themselves who I should be has no bearing. I am unapologetic when it comes to being myself. Yet, I have this tendency to walk out on Bambi legs when heading towards a goal. Then I hold back and before you know it nothing prospers. That's no longer a part of the plan. It's too difficult a task too hold on to dreams with unsteady hands. I am passionate about moving with assurance now. Replacing "I would like to" with "I will". 

3. Who and What things are weighing me down that I need to get rid of? How will I do it?

2014: It's a who and a what. Society is weighing me down. Specifically the notion of what it means to be me. A woman. A black woman. A Caribbean woman. A mother and provider. A poet. A lover. How these identities are allowed to merge however only to "their" liking. My marital status, children's hair, how I dress, weight loss, etc. It's exhausting. Moving forward, I will simply ignore societal demands and do as I please.

2015: A co-dependent relationship was weighing me down. All the way down. *weak smile* Originally, I attempted to find a way in which both parties would be satisfied. Reinvent the relationship....something. I didn't want to let go. The other party made sure to seal our fate and even though he made the process more painful I have to say that I will forever be grateful. I wouldn't have done it on my own. I needed that fire and he burned me plenty. So I got rid of society and now an unhealthy relationship. I feel so much lighter. After the rain comes sunshine and I'm tanning right now. Break ups suck though. *pout*

4. What do I need to forgive myself for?

2014: I need to forgive myself for playing my part in willful ignorance. It's a hell of a drug. 

2015: I need to forgive myself for setting my standard low because I didn't believe some people could ever reach the standard I deserved. Forgiveness doesn't mean a person has to remain in your life. 

 5. When did I feel most alive this year? What was sacred about that moment?

2014: I felt most alive this year when I became a full fledged vegetarian. I had been struggling with this transition for quite some time and was growing tired with the duplicitous lifestyle. I fasted, mediated and prayed on it for a couple days and came out of that experience with no desire for flesh at all. Like magic. The sacred moment was when I could look in the mirror to see a vegetarian  dread-locked woman. It was like "Wow, there you are, Storm. Nice to meet you."

2015: I felt most alive this year when I moved all of my belongings into a home (one I affectionately call "The Cavern") of my own. I literally felt alive. Every muscle in my body begged for attention. Moving out is no joke....tuh . 

6. What self-love actions can I practice on a daily basis?

2014: Meditation, a long walk, & a uniform of sweat pants and wife beaters. 

2015: Affirmations. Once upon a time I deemed such declarations to be ridiculous. I just couldn't do it. They truly are effective though. I use them daily now. 

7. What do I want to let go of? (i.e self doubt, fear, etc)

2014: I want to let go of that obsessive desire to want more for other people than they want for themselves. 

2015: Well, look who came a long way...lol. I no longer have that obsessive desire. Thank the heavens. Well not obsessively anyway. This year I want to let go if my smart phone addiction. Live in the moment more. I'll elaborate in another post. 

8. What do I dedicate 2016 to? (i.e independence, artistic pursuits)

2014: I dedicate 2015 to dating myself. To look in the mirror and say "Bae, what do you want to do today?" or "Bae, look what I bought your sexy ass". Tattoos I've wanted for so long, books that need reading, restaurants that need dining, mountains that need hiking, etc. 

2015: And I did have an amazing time dating myself. *wicked smile* I dedicate 2016 to getting my finances in order. Less talk, more action I tell you.  

9. What did I learn about myself in 2015?

2014: I learned that I am awesome and an okay cook. Also I don't like laser tag. And it's okay to love someone more than they love you so long as you don't love them more than you. Yes, I've learned a lot *smile*.

2015: I learned how to be emotional yet productive. Out with repetitive conversations about what's right and what's wrong. In with simply walking away and living my life. Actions baby. . .

10. What did 2015 represent to me on my path?

2014: It represented a year of the "take backs" so to speak. I took a large sack and took a walk around. Give me back my heart, Nigga. Give me back my body, children (still working on it). Give me back my health, meat. Give me back my God, white America. I took a lot of things back. This bag is full and I couldn't be happier.

2015: *blushes* Obviously . . . the year of letting go. Got my heart back though.

Happy New Year, friends.