Diplomatic Immunity (Memories)

            That time of year is coming. Eight years without the sound of my best friend's laugh and this heart beats on. Beats on strong. Miracles do happen. In any case, I have another loving memory to share. 

Setting: Teenage room. Posters of celebrities plastered all over the walls. Teddy bears on the night table. 

           We were in her bedroom deep in some topic of discussion that escapes me in this moment. 14 years youngish and lazily lounging on her bed when we heard it. IT. This wildly infectious beat thumping through the floors. She's asked me if I heard it and I nodded my head enthusiastically. We let our musical hearts lead the way to outside her brother's bedroom. Barbara Mason crooned "I'm Ready, I'm Ready, I'm Ready" And I mean the beat was just so vicious. It must have been a song he really enjoyed because he had it on repeat. We smiled big smiles and started dancing right outside his door. "We have to get the name" she explained, fully aware that I wasn't too fond of bothering people. At this point he had changed the song and I was so desperate to hear it again that I went against my personal law of staying unseen. Never one to mind disturbing her brother, Tan promptly knocked on his door and asked for the name of the song. She also asked for him to play it again. And he did. We couldn't get enough of that song. The funniest party of it all was that prior to that song I wasn't a Dip Set fan at all; she was. And she was always trying to recruit me as a fan. So she flashed a knowing smile when she came back from her brother's room with the song tittle and artists. I raised my eyebrows in surprise and let her have it. "Okay, okay.....they're a little nice" I giggled. More laughter. More dancing. Pretend free styling all afternoon. That little afternoon seems so minor a moment in time yet the emotions that it evokes are strong. Whenever I hear the song my heartbeat rushes and I get a little a high. I mean I think I get a little high. I imagine that is a bit of what a drug induced high is like. A small piece of euphoria. Sometimes I go back and live in that little afternoon. I imagine her smile and my little tom boy hip hop nod to the beat. That was a perfect afternoon and we didn't even know it. Just living life. Living in the moment. The simplest things could mean so much to some people. You just never know.    

Child Support

He says the proof of his love is in the way
he hasn't wrapped his hands around my neck ....yet
He bears canine teeth and growls . . .
losing all humanity
All an attempt to remove any capability of understanding me
So that his crowd may join in on the insanity
So that they may applaud when he announces the little that he's handing me
All of this because I beg on behalf of his family
Look at her
The mother of his child is asking for a check
Look at her
The mother of his child is asking for what's best
Look at her!
The mother of his child is over here asking where's the rest?
Doesn't she know?
Has no one told taught her the code?
Either a father or an appropriate sum of dollars
Pick wisely Mama
For you cannot have both
But I was hoping against hope
That we could be different
See, I would choke but I still spoke
I had no right to be timid
Because the future of our children depends on the life we could give them
That's the main point of our bittersweet union
The total sum of our existence
So I said fuck the code
and begged for a percentage of his living
Until he transformed
Made me regret every single minute
The money wasn't worth the horror I had to witness
Before my very eyes
A man turned into something vicious
A beast flashing sharp teeth
saliva dripping from his lips and
violent outburst in front of the children
I could have went to court but this display left the heart unwilling
When a man degrades himself in such a manner
There is no winning
When a father trades his crown for a jester's cap
There is no winning
When you rather your children
have a fake hero then a real life villain
There is no winning
I'd rather live in poverty
then remain an emotional victim

Your honor,
About this child support case . Let's dismiss it.

End of 2015 Reflection

1. Am I happy with where I am in life right now?

2014: Yes, I believe that I am.

2015: Very much so. 

2. What am I passionate about? What am I doing to pursue my passion?

2014: I am passionate about an existence in which I am an unadulterated version of myself. Where the thought of what others think or desire no longer limit who I am. I have always lived outside the box however my aim has been not to wander too far. To pursue this, I love with abandon now. I ignore odd stares to stop my car in the rain and finish a poem dancing wildly among my thoughts. If I want to take a selfie, I take a selfie. If I walls are too bare, it's time to buy some artwork. If I want to read all of Alice Walker's work, I shall do so. I allow myself to feel these urges and respond to them accordingly.

2015: I am passionate about action. I'm expressive by nature so I can write about my dreams and partake in eloquent discussions about it plenty. Recently, I stumbled across a quote by Iyanla Vanzant (that's my girl by the way...lol) which said that you had to do more than speak truth....you have to think truth as well. Her words jarred me because it had not dawned on me prior to reading that material that my mind was still engaged in an active love affair with lies I've consumed in this lifetime. Sure I spoke my truth however talking is only half the job. You have to follow through. I have successfully evolved to the point where the opinions of others determining for themselves who I should be has no bearing. I am unapologetic when it comes to being myself. Yet, I have this tendency to walk out on Bambi legs when heading towards a goal. Then I hold back and before you know it nothing prospers. That's no longer a part of the plan. It's too difficult a task too hold on to dreams with unsteady hands. I am passionate about moving with assurance now. Replacing "I would like to" with "I will". 

3. Who and What things are weighing me down that I need to get rid of? How will I do it?

2014: It's a who and a what. Society is weighing me down. Specifically the notion of what it means to be me. A woman. A black woman. A Caribbean woman. A mother and provider. A poet. A lover. How these identities are allowed to merge however only to "their" liking. My marital status, children's hair, how I dress, weight loss, etc. It's exhausting. Moving forward, I will simply ignore societal demands and do as I please.

2015: A co-dependent relationship was weighing me down. All the way down. *weak smile* Originally, I attempted to find a way in which both parties would be satisfied. Reinvent the relationship....something. I didn't want to let go. The other party made sure to seal our fate and even though he made the process more painful I have to say that I will forever be grateful. I wouldn't have done it on my own. I needed that fire and he burned me plenty. So I got rid of society and now an unhealthy relationship. I feel so much lighter. After the rain comes sunshine and I'm tanning right now. Break ups suck though. *pout*

4. What do I need to forgive myself for?

2014: I need to forgive myself for playing my part in willful ignorance. It's a hell of a drug. 

2015: I need to forgive myself for setting my standard low because I didn't believe some people could ever reach the standard I deserved. Forgiveness doesn't mean a person has to remain in your life. 

 5. When did I feel most alive this year? What was sacred about that moment?

2014: I felt most alive this year when I became a full fledged vegetarian. I had been struggling with this transition for quite some time and was growing tired with the duplicitous lifestyle. I fasted, mediated and prayed on it for a couple days and came out of that experience with no desire for flesh at all. Like magic. The sacred moment was when I could look in the mirror to see a vegetarian  dread-locked woman. It was like "Wow, there you are, Storm. Nice to meet you."

2015: I felt most alive this year when I moved all of my belongings into a home (one I affectionately call "The Cavern") of my own. I literally felt alive. Every muscle in my body begged for attention. Moving out is no joke....tuh . 

6. What self-love actions can I practice on a daily basis?

2014: Meditation, a long walk, & a uniform of sweat pants and wife beaters. 

2015: Affirmations. Once upon a time I deemed such declarations to be ridiculous. I just couldn't do it. They truly are effective though. I use them daily now. 

7. What do I want to let go of? (i.e self doubt, fear, etc)

2014: I want to let go of that obsessive desire to want more for other people than they want for themselves. 

2015: Well, look who came a long way...lol. I no longer have that obsessive desire. Thank the heavens. Well not obsessively anyway. This year I want to let go if my smart phone addiction. Live in the moment more. I'll elaborate in another post. 

8. What do I dedicate 2016 to? (i.e independence, artistic pursuits)

2014: I dedicate 2015 to dating myself. To look in the mirror and say "Bae, what do you want to do today?" or "Bae, look what I bought your sexy ass". Tattoos I've wanted for so long, books that need reading, restaurants that need dining, mountains that need hiking, etc. 

2015: And I did have an amazing time dating myself. *wicked smile* I dedicate 2016 to getting my finances in order. Less talk, more action I tell you.  

9. What did I learn about myself in 2015?

2014: I learned that I am awesome and an okay cook. Also I don't like laser tag. And it's okay to love someone more than they love you so long as you don't love them more than you. Yes, I've learned a lot *smile*.

2015: I learned how to be emotional yet productive. Out with repetitive conversations about what's right and what's wrong. In with simply walking away and living my life. Actions baby. . .

10. What did 2015 represent to me on my path?

2014: It represented a year of the "take backs" so to speak. I took a large sack and took a walk around. Give me back my heart, Nigga. Give me back my body, children (still working on it). Give me back my health, meat. Give me back my God, white America. I took a lot of things back. This bag is full and I couldn't be happier.

2015: *blushes* Obviously . . . the year of letting go. Got my heart back though.

Happy New Year, friends.

My First Kwanzaa Reflection (2015)

Umoja

 "Umoja principle instructs that each member of the family and by extension the community is constituted by a web of interpersonal relationships. The health and possibilities of the family and community, therefore, is dependent upon the quality of relationship within the family and community."

Storm's Reflection:

I love that this is the first principle. It sets the tone for the general theme of  togetherness and this was my primary attraction to the holiday. I love unity as a building block of which the many things I plan to teach to my children shall stand. I spent this day among few family members in New York City. A solemn reminder of how much my large biological family has dwindled down to a few members that I care enough to miss. That my children even familiar enough with to know to miss. The beauty in it though is that I've got scissors and a sowing thread. So I delighted in the fact that there have been additions made that render the subtractions obsolete. I know enough now to acknowledge that I can only be responsible for my end of a relationship. In terms of health and possibilities I will set the tone for a healthy relationship in hopes my loved ones will follow. Most (what I like to call the chosen ones) are already there. Others I have decided are worthy enough to give time an opportunity to both heal and move us forward. As unity is dependent on the quality of these relationships, time will reveal however it won't be a deciding factor. I won't risk the strength of my community over a weak link. Unity calls for that type of sacrifice and it's a call I'm ready to answer. I lit a black candle. 

Kujichagulia

 "Kujichagulia principle says African Americans, like all people, need shared cultural values, symbols, rituals, and practices in order to give their families and children meaning and value, and identity and community."

Storm's Reflection:

This one means self determination. A principle speaking on a need to name and define ourselves. To speak for and represent ourselves. I searched deep within myself for meaning to a principle that I believe I knew most intimately. You make mistakes when you think that you know so much. Comfort does that. After examining areas I felt needed the most attention, I fell on the upbringing of the Trio. By the time they arrived on the planet we've already been through so much. This makes me protective. Aggressively protective. Mother bear. Lioness. Cut your throat protective. It's as if they're back in the womb and I feel like I have to shield them from peril until they can stand on their own. Well, they're standing on their own now. At ages 2 and 5, The Trio stand on feeble legs however they are standing on their own. I've noticed that because my son has a language delay whenever people talk to him I speak for him. Only thing is he has his own unique personality and there are times that my interpretation is incorrect. He'll tell me "Mommy no, what I meant was...". *smile* He struggles to find the words and really I shouldn't rush him. He can speak for himself. My daughters reap the benefits of such learned lessons. I find myself actively teaching them how to speak for themselves. We spent this day driving 276 miles from New York back to our humble abode. Oh the patience needed to get them to talk to each other instead of screaming and crying. Mama wasn't pulling over every time there was a fight. *smile* When we got home we lit a red candle. 

Ujima

 "Ujima principle teaches each family member to recognize that their own well-being is derived from their family and community’ well being and that they must be concern with the overall health of their family and community; and that the lives of each family member and that of the community are bound together."

Storm's Reflection:

Collective work and responsibility. This is a principle that is severely lacking in the biological family I grew up in. A lot of ants. A lot more grasshoppers. This is the present situation of course. The grasshopper population was at a minimum until some ants misinterpreted the grasshopper's lifestyle as representation of an ideal life. And so they turned themselves into an artificial resemblance. Some of them I shared a bed with as a child yet today I no longer recognize and I find this so terrifying I make it my responsibility to teach the Trio that as a people we are bound together. Family first and family is everything. This is why sacrifices for Umoja are of utmost importance. You have to let the grasshoppers go before they infect the entire community. Some ideas are like viruses...contagious and difficult to kill. Even weak ones. Without a sense of responsibility to each other progression is futile. Our ancestors had to work together to free themselves. There is no way they would have made it out of slavery with the every man out for themselves mentality. And really as a community in this day and age, we're not making it now. How can I not take heed to this principle? Man, I light that green candle.             

Ujamaa

 "Ujamaa principle empowers families and communities to come together around their collective economic interest and to see their economic strength in co-opt owing and buying as in employee owned credit unions."

Storm's Reflection:

Cooperative economics. If I could bag this idea and force feed it to our community by the millions, I would do so. This idea of American individualism has ballooned into this belief that collective economic interest is a unfeasible. It's to the despondent point where our children are being raised without the slightest knowledge of how to combine family interest with their own to pave a path to financial success. Too often I see families that are struggling financially because they are blind to the jewels that lay before their very eyes. Three siblings could be an at home parent, a nurse and a teacher and never make the connection that between the 3 of them (not to mention influential contacts and resources between the 3) lies the ability to open up their own school or daycare center. No, for even if you pointed the obvious out to them they would tell you that they feel much more comfortable struggling on their own. Imagine that. Being more comfortable with giving god given talents to strangers for a fraction of the cost than to raise your entire family into a higher socioeconomic class. What salary in the world is worth more than that? So here, I'll start with my own tribe. The concept of sharing and economics is difficult for 5 and 2 year old children yet I plant the seeds anyway. If my little Papi gets a dollar he asks his sisters what are "we" going to do. And the only thing they know how to do with physical money right now it put it in their piggy bank. That's right. One piggy bank. Pass a lighter for that red candle please.              

Nia

 "Nia principle instructs each family member to see him or herself as linked to the larger project of nation building. “An individual has not started to live until he or she can rise above the narrow confines of his or her individualistic concerns to the broader concerns of humanity”, Martin Luther King, Jr. instructs."

Storm's Reflection:
Purpose. This is huge. This principle causes much grief because for many it's ever changing and for many more it's never realized. A talent is a gift. Understand that when God grants you a gift it is your duty to share it with the world. This society has a habit of placing limitations on people and so we must encourage purpose in one another. The biggest part of purpose is to serve. How can you serve your community, family and friends? Are you doing so to the best of your ability? Let your heart guide you. I am a firm believer of the notion that we are born with everything we know. Yup. Just like animals and plants and everything else that exists in this world. Sometimes we stray so far from our innate calling that we don't know where to start. I been there. Travelling that road of uncertainty still. The best advice I've ever read is to be whatever it is you feel that you are. Don't let tittles determine who you are. If you're a doctor yet you feel like you're a dancer, no one says that you can't take dance lessons on your days off. If you're a janitor however you feel as though you are a mentor, enroll in a big brother or sister program. You see where I'm going. Just vibrate and let that energy bless others. You never know who you inspire. Trust me. I was an awkward little tomboy Caribbean girl who loved books and was in love with Albert Einstein yet I run into old classmates who share some type of fondness for a time in history I can barely recall. And I have the same experience for other people who will never know how much their presence meant to me. I vow to myself to always allow the Trio to be themselves. When they show an inclination towards a particular skill we explore that. I have grand ideas of career options I would love them to chose in their adulthood. However I know better. They can't serve their community or each other if they aren't true to themselves. I bought them into this world however the transcript written in their hearts is all theirs. My youngest (with help) lit a green candle.    

Kuumba

 "Kuumba principle demands continuous improvement in personal and family and social matters. George Washington Carver teaches us all that “No one has a right to come in to the world without leaving behind a distinct and legitimate reason for having passed though it”."

Storm's Reflection:
Creativity. Everyone has creative potential. Especially when it comes to improving ourselves. In fact we are ever evolving creatures so that we can improve ourselves on a consistent basis. Variety is more than the spice of life. It is the basis for evolution and gives way for survivors or the ability to survive. If you can't think of a way to improve yourself (you know...because you're just that perfect...it happens)then I encourage you to seek out inspiration. A poem. A painting. Dance. A building structure. The sunrise. Etc. Reflect on the mission to leave this world a better place than it was gifted to us. This is a principle in which I bow down to the Trio because they have taught me so much in this arena. The flexibility of a child's mind seems to hold the essence of creativity. The Trio inspires me to reach out to them in different ways on a daily. Every situation is unique. Even the same set of circumstances on a new day can yield disparate results. And I'm not much different than the next overworked and underpaid parent in this society. I am naturally creative yet I have a tendency to get stuck in my ways. To see things one way. To let frustration cloud my judgement and rush a moment I have no right to. The Trio push me to expand my horizon and sometimes I'm right at my breaking point when I discover something new. Something beautiful. And this provides a trickle down effect as I incorporate my new found view (and patience....lol) to outside relationships with family, friends and even employers/co-workers. I dedicated this day to the Trio. We played with trains and wooden train tracks as "Songs Kids Really Love To Sing" CD played in the background. My eldest daughter lit a red candle.              

Imani

 "Imani principle teaches personal and collective efficacy. Mary McLeod Bethune says: “Without faith nothing is possible; with faith nothing is impossible. Faith in god is the greatest power, but great to is faith in oneself”. Howard Thurman teaches that faith is the “promise of tomorrow at the close of everyday, the triumph of life in the defiance of death.”

Storm's Reflection:
Hope and confidence. This final day is a day of great joy for me. It's in the thick of my favorite season and not only was my fast over but the first of the year is my favorite holiday of all. This day holds special meaning in my heart because it is the Haitian Independence Day and if there ever is a time to reflect on hope and confidence this is the day! This day is for me because I struggle with this set of principles. I don't like taking steps without the entire staircase in my visual. I like my moves calculated and precise. And we all know that life just doesn't flow that way. Sometime you just have to walk out on faith and faith alone. And you need confidence to do so. The universe has a plan for you. Specifically designed for you. Combine that knowledge with the law of attraction and the world is yours. Even before I thought of celebrating Kwanzaa I always praised my ancestors on this day. They have always proved to be a source of inspiration and guidance for me. Especially now on my journey through motherhood. Ancestor spirits are in tune with that transcript written on your heart. When deep in meditation I can feel them speak through me. To me. They have never led me astray. Never. It's not just my ancestors either. The love from my beloved grandmothers and Tanya can be divinely felt. The mere memory of them provides guidance for I know that I can never let them down. I attempt to a live a life that seeks to honor them in every decision that I make. And really, when I come to the realization that I survived another year on this planet and that I navigated 3 souls to safety thus far as well...I think there is no better way than to begin the new year with refreshed and renowned faith. The final green candle is lit. The final libation is poured. And the Trio get to blow out all 7 candles again. That's their favorite part. Now....what do I do with the leftover candles stubs? And how do I clean all this candle wax off of my wooden Kinara? Somebody help me.. . lol.