Papa (Poem)

From the moment I was told of your existence, I knew 
But I was so wrapped up in grief I didn't know what to do 
I had just lost my best friend 
Fatal accident 
And your father well when I went to him 
He was also confused 
Said it was up to me to choose
But that thing about you, I knew 
so I chose to continue 
As time went on I became more sure
Because you would talk to me and I would talk back to you      
And this bond here had formed
I was giving birth to a baby Storm
This was even before I knew you were a boy      
But I was terrified I couldn't do this on my own
At night I still cried because my friend left me all alone     
For awhile there I conspired to find you another home
There was just no way in hell I could raise a little Storm    
And then you were born 
And instinctively I knew everything you would want
You were so in sync with me we settled into a calm      
You took my anxiety and turned it into armor                       See that thing about you, I knew 
it made the picture larger    
It made my eyes see farther
It just made me go harder          
But that's me  
The Autism diagnosis broke your father
But that thing about you I been knew so
Over here Papi there was never any heartache 
I never want you to feel like you are a mistake 
Because if your father never pulled away

I probably would have banked on him being there

I would never be this great
Sometimes it's just fate

You saved my life Paija Damir

You needing me to come up out of that shell of person that I was     And protect you in the name of love 

Bum rushed the air back into my lungs

I put that grief aside and picked up guns       

I became your protector

I'll shoot it out with anyone

Papa you are perfect 

You are deserving         

This thing about you I been knew and still found you worthy

It's okay to think different 

I too don't make friends quickly 

Your father will come around he's bound to see the things I witness

How you're brave and you're smart and you're presence is tremendous 

How you are everything we are only better and bigger

How you are magical...bought the dead back to living

And I admit this
When he rejected you I was filled with resentment 

You've even managed to inspire forgiveness 

You tell me to forgive him

And I been hard headed my entire life but since it comes from your lips I put down the guns and listen      

I forgive him

You are more than Autistic

You are bigger than a label 

You're the piece that's missing       

You're the reason I'm able

I love you so much      

Every day I am grateful 

That it is I that kept you alive until you came through

I would never ever ever change you

                          

Beach Day (Memories)

Today's the day. February 02, 2008 changed my life. Killed me. Left me numb. Left me hungry for the type of healing that was more destructive than beneficial. And I won't go into details. Anybody who has experienced grief knows....This post isn't about that. It's about what I have to focus on to offset destructive patterns. The good times. Great memories. A testament to the awesome friendship that Tan and I thrived on. So let's see. Let's take this back to our teenage years. Last year of high school or freshman year of college. I'm thinking somewhere in between. Yes. It had to be. I still remember the sun burning gloriously in a sky so blue it rivaled the ocean. Forgive me for the way my mind works. The littlest things leave lasting impressions. For instance, when I first got the news about my best friend passing, I was near a cup of water or something that left a ring of condensation on a wooden dresser. I remember picking it up and staring at the ring of droplets of water moments before the call. I remember thinking why didn't anyone put napkin underneath the glass or whatever the hell it was. I wanted so badly to reach out and wipe it all away however my limbs could not find the motivation to carry out the commands my brain was sending. I just stared at those droplets. It wasn't even for that long. It wasn't until months after the funeral that I saw a ring of condensation and emotionally traveled back in time to the moment or the moment before rather my entire life changed. I digress. I don't usually do posts on this specific day so I'm a little distracted. *deep breath* Back to the good memories. So anyway, nice warm day. Tan invited me out to the beach. Beach? We don't beach but okay. Later when I'm on my way to her house she admits that a couple of her other friends are coming along and that we'll even be travelling in their vehicle. Pause. Huge pause. She waits for me to tell her I'm turning around which is exactly what my public transportation taking ass was doing. Tanya and I were such opposites, I'm not sure how we got along so well. *smile* She was thee MOST gregarious person I knew. To this date even. She had many friends. She forgave a million times over and loved to bring people together. Me...not so much. She was basically my only friend, back then I didn't forgive shit and I always kept the few people I held close in separate compartments in my life. Basically opposites. *smile* She ended up begging me to go so of course I obliged. You should of seen us. In the car squished together (no air conditioner) while the song of the summer Soulja Boy's "Crank That" was blasting on the radio. Tan would look at me with a pleading eyes. A "play nice" expression usually reserved for children. And I would give a look back at her. Ya'll have to understand. Her friends had that song on repeat. Seriously?? *smile* I was dying, man. I played nice though. At one point I had to ask "What does that even mean?".  Her friends actually broke down the meaning for me. Quite disgusting by the way. When we finally made it to the beach, we settled down on the sand and enjoyed some wine coolers. Liquid courage for introverts. I relaxed a little. We laughed...danced...etc. The most important moment of that trip is when Tan and I went out into the water. And I got that funny dew drop feeling again. The slightest details drawing me in; evoking a relaxed state. Water droplets on our brown skin (Okay, I'm yellow). The way our laughter bounced off of the waves. The wine cooler leaving my system. Sobriety returning slowing. I remember wondering if that was how baptismal was supposed to feel. That sun....that sun....blazing. I can feel the heat of it right now. Felt like the waves were going through me. Felt free. I remember how she looked at me. That "I knew you would have a good time" look. I admitted it and she smiled even brighter. I remember the smile. She said "See, that wasn't so bad.". Like I can hear her saying that right now . . . At the time I thought we would have a million more days like that. So it wasn't on the radar for best days ever. Now that I know better. That day was one of the best days of my life. Thanks Tan. I still don't know how to crank that Soulja boy though. 

What's good? (Dating Adventures)

This was brief yet humorous so I'll keep it light. This one doesn't even get a name. He asked for my number. He wanted to speak to me. The first time he called me, I missed it however I returned it in a timely manner. When he picked up the line, I greeted him like I would anyone on almost any day. Our guy did not like that so much. *sigh* It went a little something like this. 

Me: What's good?

Him: What's good?

Me: *looks at phone* Hello? Yeah? Yeah, what's good?

Him: You mean how are you?

Me: No..no. I'm pretty sure I mean What's good?

*silence*

Me: Are you okay?

Him: Yes. Why?

Me: *sigh* This intro is all wrong. Something wrong with how I started.

Him: I just don't think that's appropriate.

Me: Huh?

Him: When you first meet someone you don't greet them that way. We're both college educated. We should be speaking as such.

Me: Hmpf. Let me call you back. (translation: Let me not call you back)

The very next day the man sends a text message to me with the forbidden greeting "What's good?". Okay so pause...perhaps it's an olive branch. A little jokey joke, Something to break the ice. Either way, I wasn't feeling it. So I kindly let him know that our prior conversation was never to occur again. I told him that a plethora of slang terminology would tumble out of these lips of mine on the daily. That he is he never to instruct me on what type of vernacular to use. He told me to grow the fuck up. I told him I'd call him back when I did. 

Weeks later. 

I still haven't grown up yet, ya'll. 

Sugar Daddy (Dating Adventures)

So, I say I want a Sugar Daddy. Like I know in my heart I think I deserve one however . . . Sugar Daddies be having me fucked up. My apologies. There was no other vernacular at my disposal to express that sentiment. I met a couple so far. They love me. Who doesn't?  I thought I wanted something more serious so I have been avoiding them. Ever since the Little Red Corvette episode, I figured keeping things a little light couldn't hurt. Let's meet our latest and greatest gentleman.  Hmm, what shall we address him by? Let's go with Mr. CEO. Mr. C messaged me. He loved my hair among many other things. There was quite a bit of an age difference but I'm not one to judge. He had a daughter my age but I wasn't interested in his daughter so . . . yeah. His approach was smooth. The conversation flowed easily as he sent pictures of his home and of him posing with a plethora of celebrities. In my experience older men aren't that technology savvy so I was impressed by his ability to keep up with the messages and sarcasm without skipping a beat. Go ahead old man. He began to talk about the ways in which he could change my life. All the things he could do for me. Would do for me. I skillfully avoided those topics. He was already at strike one nonetheless I was allowing him to continue our banter ignorant of his offense. Don't ever tell me what you can do for me. Do for me. Ask for my account number, drop $1,000.00 in there and then tell me what you just did for me. Not to mention his need to be discreet was also mentioned. Due to his lucrative business (no I don't care to share) and all. I played it cool though. It's not my job to raise anyone that's significantly older than me. I just stop them at strike 3 and keep it moving. Our conversation evolved. Adult talk. Anyone that can weave a conversation out of topics such as black America, photography, polyarmory and sex without even a hint of offensive and or dismissive rhetoric has the ability to capture my attention. At least for a couple of minutes. He was obviously educated. Obviously street. And he wasn't needy. My type in a nut shell. He didn't back off when I used the word friend. And I used that word quite often. It's my safe word. My "I need you to stay where I put you" word. Mr. Red Corvette's sad eyes were still on my mind. My guard was up. I'm driving in the slow lane . . . friend. So he learned how to stop using the "wife" word. All good. We progressed to talks of meeting up. He wanted a simple date. Cool. I wanted a simple video call. I don't meet with anyone without a video call. It's my thing. I just have to see you live. Calls and messages just won't do. My request unnerved him. He stuttered and asked if I wanted to see . . . him? No, I want to see your mother. I mean seriously. His voice fell flat as he responded with stentorian "No". He said that our first sighting would have to be face to face on a date. That was his way of doing things. *sigh* So I had to ask. Overweight or unattractive? Or both? Either way, his hesitation obviously meant that he had been deceptive with his photos and since we were now on strike 2, my irritation was now outgrowing my interest. He was too damn old for 2 strikes. My blunt question seemed to startle him. He sounded panicky. I'm not sure. He caught himself, cleared his throat then asked me to compromise. Give his way a chance. He said that he would not be the affluent business man he was today without compromising. That I would have to learn how to compromise to give a better life to my children. *eye roll* So here's how this is going to go. My exact words to him. And anytime I find myself addressing a member of the opposite sex in this fashion, know for sure he will never make it to a place where our passions will run wild. "I'm going to video call you, you will pick up and we will talk." He didn't pick up when I called. Seriously, if you're not in a position to defy me, you don't defy me. I blocked him. Some how he found a way to reach me. Apparently I'm terrible at this blocking thing....lol. They find me on other sites and shit. Who can keep up? Whatever. Blocking is more of a message to me anyway. A message that says leave me the hell alone. Some people just don't get it. Anyway he found a way to reach me to let me know how fake my dreads and I were. Oh and that I was the scum of the earth. To which I replied "It's a good thing you don't ever have to hear from this piece of scum ever again" and then blocked his ass again. I can't stand sore losers. Lawwd, why can't I get this right? *smile*

Little Red Corvette (Dating Adventures)

On to the next. I meet a new guy. A little farther away. A little older in age. Gorgeous smile. Might be worth the travel were my first thoughts when we introduced ourselves to each other. He was straightforward. And damn I love straightforward. My mind works a little differently so I love a guy that isn't afraid to spell things out. We're going to call him Mr. Red Corvette as in that top single that Prince released in 1983. As in this guy had me singing "Baby you're much too fast" *throws up peace sign horizontally in front of eyes*. Mr. Corvette worked with special needs children (this hits close to home) and had just returned home to be close to his parents who by the way were married for 35 years. My goodness. He was endearing. Very smooth. He had too good to be true written all over him, I suppose. We spoke for hours on the phone. Great chemistry. I was definitely open to a first date when he asked. We began making plans which as a mother of three is a bit challenging. He was very understanding of this which reassured me that he was worth the effort. We had a date set up and all we could do was talk about how much better our chemistry would be once we were sitting across from one another. Or next to each other. His joke...not mine....lol. Cute shit like that. Unfortunately something came up the weekend we had plans. Mom duty. My son needed me and that's all I need to say about that. He needs me, I'm there. Mr. Corvette took the news better than I imagined he would. Later in the day he offered to drive over an hour just to hold a conversation outside my home since he knew that I was home with my son. This was charming however it surprised me. It just seemed like a lot of energy to put into someone you've just met. I felt weird about it and expressed this to him. We could just reschedule. His urgency made me apprehensive. He stayed true to his gentlemanly ways but then dove into a monologue worthy of an Academy award. Something about how moved he was by the little he did know about me. How there was just something about me (they all say that) and he knew that I would make a great wife one day. And that he and I could be something incredible. When his speech was met with stunned silence he mistook that to mean continue. He continued to explain that he would love to get to know me better so that we could eventually  move in together in a house he would purchase just for us and he was more than happy to be a step-father to my children. Again....stunned silence. Don't get me wrong. What he was saying sounded nice yet my brain was not interpreting it that way. My mind was on high alert. My entire body tensed up and I felt a little sick. Marriage? Move in? We haven't even gone on a first date yet. We haven't even tasted a teaspoon of each other's crazy yet. So I broached the topic cautiously; trying to find the most gentle way possible to derail this runaway love train he imagined us jumping on. Finally, I decided he's a straightforward guy, surely he can handle the same. So I just stopped him mid sentence and said "no". "No?" he echoed back. Now it was time for my speech. This was way too fast. I take relationships day by day. I don't ever intend to live with another man nor do I ever intend to subscribe to the religious, social and most frighteningly legal institution of American marriage. He was at a lost for words. Then he found some that only made the situation worse. "What about children? I want to have a child one day." Sheesh. How could we speak for hours and never touch on deal breakers? Well here we go. If it isn't through adoption, you would never father a child with me. It's just not going to happen. We spoke for long time afterwards. Our final conversation. The same chemistry and laughter lingered as we decided that it was best to keep moving in different directions. He wished me well. I wished him better. I actually felt relieved hanging up the phone that day. Mr. Corvette made me re-evaluate what it is I am truly looking for. What I've always been looking for. It's just difficult to articulate without it being misinterpreted. Without someone else trying to package my desires and fold it into a neat box. I want to meet an honorable, loyal and protective member of the opposite sex with a high libido and a love for learning his woman if nothing else. One who is willing to take our relationship day by day. Can we just vibe and see where things go? Be happy for 2 days of happiness or 2,000. Whatever God grants us. I don't know. Anyway the search continues.....

Thin Mint (Dating Adventures)

So I met someone. We're going to call his Mr. Eight. As in After Eights. As in that's my favorite thin mint and this gentleman reminded me of the qualities needed to be my favorite thin mint. Chocolaty. Refreshing. Sweet. Thin. Like he himself was not really thin but because I simply do not know how to behave I discovered quite early that his chocolate really was a bit thin. Not that I'm hating on thin mints but  . . . whatever. Let's continue with my narration of the events that were to follow. He likes me. I'm intrigued by him. Which is good. Very few men men have the ability to entrance me upon first sight. It just doesn't happen. So intrigue is a good thing. Moving right along. He says the right words (which by the way is a dying art these days) and our text messages lead to a phone conversation which leads to video calls. And we talk for hours. Single guy. Attending medical school. Lives alone. No children and no future plans on having children. He was short and not what one would describe as handsome however he was desirable enough to make a woman look twice. Built solid. Although I'm not the 6 pack type, it's never a bad thing to have one. *smile* What I liked most about him was his mind. Yes, I'm that corny. *smile* We had each other running to google a couple of times I'm sure. Fact checking the shit out of each other. *nerd alert* That's sexy to me. Our conversations ran a special wave of randomness that I have a fondness for. He knew useless facts like I knew useless facts. He was...dare I say it? Weird. Weird like me weird. Just enough nerd. Just enough grittiness. It felt like talking to myself sometimes. He knew how to challenge me. Which is another art. How to stoke a fire without burning yourself or the town down. I can't fall in love with a man that hasn't mastered that skill. The day comes where we finally decided to meet each other. We settled for his apartment (big mistake...or was it really a mistake?) in the morning. I thought the morning would calm the tiger in me. FYI celibacy after virginity is not cute. Ciara and Russell are as mendacious as they come. Hmpf. Anyway, the morning comes and I drive over there. My first impression of him was that he was so little. Which he was not really nonetheless my mind has this nasty habit of sizing up and comparing various men I encounter. Nothing good or bad just little notes here and there. So there I was like damn, he's so little because you know like....I'm soooo big. *smile* He was sweet. Started off with an insider joke which broke the ice. His place was such a bachelor pad. Messy yet cozy. The flow between us continued only this time there was no distance between us. Mr. Eight could not keep his hands off me. And I could not keep the halo on my head. My dude was refreshing and chocolaty, remember? Still I tried to behave. And what ensued was a freaking high school session of tantalizing heavy petting. I would go into details but naaaahh.....A game of cat and mouse so to speak. It was during this time that my fingers accidentally fell onto his *ahem* package. The realization that the package was, uh, slimmer than I have ever encountered (because I have encountered soooo much...lol) sobered me up a bit. He noticed immediately. This sobered him too. Damn. We spoke about it. He thought I was judging what I had held in my hand and I had to explain that all of this was moving too fast. I have only been with one man the last 10 years and all this newness took some getting use to. So far he seemed skilled. Who knows what the future held? We may...may not take it there. He took this to mean that I was still in love with my ex-whatever he was and that's where my headache began. He lost that impressive ability to stoke a fire. He couldn't read my body language. He couldn't hear what I was saying apparently.  He was dwelling on my ex more than I ever did. This of course turned me all the way off. He tried to relieve the awkwardness but the moment was over. I left sooner rather than later and we haven't spoken since. Here's the kicker though. I sent him a text and he never answered back. I want to feel bad however the only emotion I can muster is "what a bitch!". And yes that is an emotion. I feel it deep within my heart. *smile* I'm just going to die a born again virgin ya'll. Until next time.....


Update: He it me up a couple of weeks later. He offered up some explanation about how I scared him and reminded him of who he used to be. Or something like that. You know that kindergarten stint where they treat you bad because they like you. Like really, really like you. I told him to go fuck himself and then I blocked him. Life goes on.

A Year Post-Break Up

So. Where am I right now?  Growing. Living. Learning. Healing.  More in the past few months than I have in years. It's been a year. A year since I freed myself from a toxic relationship. I'm such a fighter I don't even realizing when I am battling myself. When I am battling God. I didn't want to leave the person I was with because I felt responsible for who they would become without me around to "mother" them. Looking back, I can now see it as a blessing that they pushed me away. Like far far away. *smile* As soon as I left, my heart and mind kind of slapped each other a high five. Doors just started opening for me. I looked in the mirror and said "Hi, I'm Storm. What a pleasure it is to finally meet you. What do you want to do now?". And my soul poured out all it has been longing for and then some. Some of the things I was aware of. Other things threw me for a loop! We are in for an adventure my friend. I wanted my own place (nicknamed "The Cavern") and got it. I wanted a new name so I went to court and got it. I wanted to become a vegan and I changed my diet accordingly. I wanted a job that would be closer to home and guess what? I went out and got that shit. Like damn, my power to manifest is on a hundred, thousand, billion! *Kanye voice* And for over a year I've been debating about whether or not to go blonde. Guess what I did? I went blonde motherfucker. Okay okay, let me reel in my inner rapper. I just feel like I can breathe again. Self work is not for the weak though. Taking the time to get to know yourself and make real decisions about the way you plan to live your life is a bit frightening not to mention enervatingsome days. Especially if your journey includes being a single mother to three small children. All this to say that I am so happy. So grateful. Every morning I rise, there is a smile on my face. This will sound odd however I feel like a newly wed. Whenever I hear my new last name I practically glow. And so now that it has been year, guess what my lickle Caribbean soul wants? A bae. I knoooooow. I never thought that I would actually want a boyfriend but I kind of do. I never had a boyfriend before. Yes. I have three children and I have never had a real boyfriend before. What do you do with them? *smile* It's partially my fault and I'll get into that in another post but the bottom line is I want to be valued by a strong and sexy member of the opposite sex. This is big. This is new for me. This wanting an actual relationship thing. Not a situation-ship. Not a jump off (who doesn't love a jump off???). Someone who feels like Ed Sheeran must have felt when he wrote the song "One". I love Ed Sheeran by the way. Anyway, I will now be actively dating. A scary venture for me however I'm positive my new manifestation powers will pull me through. I can't believe it. I just might be growing up. If Tan were here she would be cheering me on with pom poms and a whistle....lol. I might even buy an iron and a new wardrobe. Wish me luck although that's not necessary. I'm sure I'll find "the one".  I shall keep you updated.