Forgiveness

          Much anger lies in my heart. Deep disappointments for which I sometimes delude myself into believing will linger on forever. It feels like I need these disappointments. I hold them up like trophies won through diligent effort. I feel I need them to remember lessons that left my heart in a fractured and painful state. This will prevent any forthcoming misinterpretations and emotional onslaught. Or so I believe....believed......
          Stormy girl is growing up. And I'm unsure as to whether this "growing up" term is appropriate seeing as how I am really just returning to the person I was before I decided that I would fold under the weight of other people's opinions and expectations. The path that I was trailing was not the right fit for me. Yet I had made so much progress on that route that I tried to force the hand of God and change my DNA to make it work. So terrified of going back was I, that I ignored key components within my characteristics to fit this impossible mold. I figured that would be easier then going back to where I was to proceed with my journey in life. My need to take care of everyone left me in a state of starvation for a self love I didn't make the time to provide myself with. I was wrong. Dead wrong. You can't run from who you are. This includes your sensitivities. It took 5 years for this realization to fight it's way into my heart and another 5 years for my heart to pump the message out to my brain. Or for the brain to actually accept the plan of action body would have to develop and enact. When I finally followed through with action to love myself with abandon, I was sorely disappointed in my loved ones. I foolishly believed that the very people that could not provide this type of love to me would be relieved of the heavy burden of this looming expectation I held onto so fiercely. Especially after all I have sacrificed in the name of love and dedication to their happiness. I thought the only problem was that, I was asking for something that they couldn't give me. It turns out that I fit into this role of giver of love so well that to take some for myself seemed to them an act of treason. They were no match for a plan 10 years in the making though. No match for destiny. However I was forced to sever ties that wrapped around us like vines in a grove. This left fresh scars on both sides. Disenchantment swam in our blood and threatened to boil over to the surface. Thank God it never did. But things would never be the same again. A quiet storm raged in me. No pun intended. For awhile there my pain was magnified. I placed it on a pedestal. I fed it all the right foods and watched it grow. Perhaps it's just the process. Holding on to such anger. Relishing in my right to feel what I felt. It was well behaved; so why not? Well, when you veer off your path in life, self examination is in order. Getting lost and going back is at times a hurtful process. Healing is in order. With this new found clarity I was so in tune with my body, I read her signals instinctively. And I followed orders.  

• I lit candles (my astrological element)
• Meditated  
• Prayed
• Cooked soul food (real soul food...vegetables...sweet potatoes...onions...etc)
• Wrote
• Cried (That damn Denzel tear) 
• Read
• Loved up my cardiologist team (The Trio)

You get the idea. Spirit grew stronger. Mind sharper then a spear. Slowly, I realized that even though my anger was "well behaved" it was in fact destroying me. My positive personality was tainted with resentment. A simple glance at nature's beauty would evoke a thought or two of self pity. Even my body rebelled with heart palpitations and headaches. My vibrations were off. And when this dawned on me another door opened. A new realization that I did not want to calm that rage. I felt entitled to it. That the other party deserved to be on my shit list forever. They did not even deserve good thoughts. Fuck them. Who I needed to be was struggling with who I was. Who I needed to be won. I prayed harder. Meditated more. Fasted. That sort of thing. Another door opened. So I didn't really want to remain infuriated, I was afraid that forgiveness meant that I had to leave myself open to injury. That I was obligated to be "friends" again with people who clearly did not have my best interest at heart.This was my way of protecting myself from a cycle of allowing my release of anger to mean that I was open to being disrespected again. After years of watching (studying really) the women in my family swallow disrespect by the mouthful, I had to re-evaluate what forgiveness actually meant. I had to come to terms with the idea that I could make peace with the pain endured without allowing the other party to continue the privilege of their presence in your life. And that's where I'm at on this journey. This has proven to be difficult for me because I'm naturally a generous and kind person. *check the halo* But seriously, I just want to love and live life. When I lost my best friend I vowed never to waste another moment on negativity. Let's forget it and move on kind of vibes. I want to help even those who seek to hurt me. It's hard to set boundaries. I must though. By having none, I taught these people how to love me. And that my part in all of this. How are they to know that I'm in pain if I throw a smile on my face and let them back in my life every time? Even if it's just in the name of peace. More importantly, I am so much happier. I'm back to myself. Delighted by the smallest offerings the universe sends my way. A funny meme. A new poem. The way the wind caresses my dreads right before a rainfall. Forgiveness feels lovely. Freeing.