What I Know Now: Letters to My Younger Self edited by Ellyn Spragins is quite an enlightening read. I loved it. My favorite letter is the one Lisa Scottoline penned. She has an amazing list of 10 things you need to know. So of course I have been inspired to create my own letter to my younger self. And it's to 5 year old me.
Hey Kid,
You are different. There. You've been looking for concrete confirmation and so let me be the one to give it to you. It's hard to hide from anyone so you plan to be as minimally different as possible. This will work for awhile but it will not make you happy. Being different can be a beautiful thing. You know this. You feel this. But you will allow the world to tell you otherwise. Hold fast to that instinctive feeling in that wild heart of yours because you will need it to guide you. You are in a weird place in life right now. Daddy just died and you don't know how to feel or what any of it means. No one even said the word "died". Adults patted your head and gave you treats like you're were the family dog and so you acted like one. Good. Obedient. Docile. Going against your nature you asked no questions and tried your best to shrink as much as possible. You will start to live inside your mind because you lack trust for a world that doesn't even know how to relay a message properly. When it dawns on you that he actually died you will absorb it like you do most historical facts. With more intellectual interest than emotional trauma. You'll wonder what the big deal was. Truth will be synonymous with freedom to you. This will ingrain in you a lifetime compulsion to inform yourself. This is why you will keep getting into trouble for reading your own books in the classroom while the teacher is teaching from hers. When they call on you to answer a question and you don't know the answer it's because you are busy finding the answers to your own questions. School will feel like a prison to you. But fear not. There is much joy to be found. And in a little while you will meet a little girl in that same school. She will come to love and accept you in a way that allows for you to put down your armor. You two will be best friends. School will still be a difficult social experimentation for you. Family members will tease you. Your mother will grow frustrated with your inability to be just like the other children. Peers will tolerate you so long as you don't step outside the box too much. But Tanya will be there will a bright smile and an open heart every step of the way. This will be a once in a lifetime opportunity, girl. You hit the lotto. Smile. Don't ever let work, distance or the weather get in the way of spending time with her. She is the only person in your life who recognizes God in you and encourages it to shine. It's okay to be yourself. It's okay to be yourself. It's okay to be yourself. Don't be embarrassed when your sister finds your songbook and laughs about it with your favorite cousin. Feel no shame when your tears flow at the sight of devastated rain forests and the other children look at you oddly. Reply to the question "what is wrong with you?" with "nothing" instead of "I don't know". You will be asked that question for the rest of your life. There is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with you. You will be very loved and by a lot of people. But few will encourage you to be yourself. Look for those people. Don't ignore or avoid the teachers take extra time out to help you master your craft. They won't all reject or tease you when they see how weird you really are. It's okay. Most will help you. I will leave you with this. Stop shrinking. God is speaking through you and you are literally telling him no. You are afraid of the spotlight. You abhor limitations and restrictions. This is a part of growing pains. These are roadblocks that you will have to encounter to propel you on a path that God and your spiritual ancestors have already determined for you. Stop contending with them for there are more pressing battles to be fought in this world. Hold on to this letter and read it everyday. You will not understand everything at once however it will make sense over time.
With all the loving and creative energy I could muster,
Your Future Self
P.S One of these days, you will wake up in the middle of the night and paint a face onto a wooden chair with some red nail polish. You will think that you are insane for waking up with such a sudden urge to paint that you risk receiving a terrible spanking and fallback into your bed in a fit of worry swearing to never paint again. Relax. Despite the trouble you get into that chair will be one of your most treasured childhood memories. You will laugh so hard at this one day.
